Letters from the Heart

**Assaulted and the Unknown** For a very short period in 2009, I ran an apartment complex where I lived. Overall, it was a great time and experience; I met lots of people, and I loved my job. Although I was not the property manager and I was the leasing consultant, I was the one doing both due to my boss being MIA all the time. Aside from the great people I met, there were also people whom I wish today I had never met. I became friends with the neighbors that lived in the apartment beneath mine, and for a little while it was an okay choice. We spent many nights just hanging out and drinking at their place. One night was all it took to regret meeting them ever. We had been drinking as usual, and they had some friends over that I didn’t know. I had never had an issue handling my alcohol before and felt I was able to trust them. For context, I only drank and smoked pot on occasion with them, but they participated in other activities like pills. We had been drinking and just hanging out; nothing crazy, but everything is a blur about that night. I have no recollection of leaving the party that night, let alone walking up a flight of stairs to my own apartment. But when I woke up the next morning, I was in my apartment, in my bed, and there was a man next to me. That next morning, I woke up, and there was a man in my bed, and I barely knew who he was. I was also in excruciating pain, and I ended up passing back out. A little while later, I woke up again with the same pain and tried crawling to the bathroom to throw up. At some point during my unconsciousness, the man had left, and honestly, the pain was so severe I didn’t want him there anyway. I had never experienced pain in that place ever and just wanted it to stop. My bottom was just throbbing, and I knew something had happened but had no recollection of it. I felt shame and confusion because I had always been able to handle my alcohol intake, and I was responsible in my early twenties. The fact that I blacked out was extremely unusual for me. I never saw that man again, and eventually the neighbors moved away.

**Nineteen and Changed Forever** I was nineteen and never saw it coming. I graduated from high school in June of 2006 and turned nineteen in August. Although I was an adult and had been living in my house since July 2006, I was still very sheltered and innocent. My best friend was pregnant with her first baby, and she and the father shared an apartment. They were in a relationship, and the three of us got along wonderfully. Bethany and I had been best friends since 2004, when we met at McDonald's when we both started working there together. From day one, we were inseparable. Experiencing life together was amazing. We not only worked together, but we also went to junior and senior prom together with our dates. We flew to Florida unsupervised and spent the week of spring break. She was my ride or die, and life with Bethany was great. Or so I thought… One night in late 2006, we were all hanging out at their apartment having some drinks and watching movies (well, Bethany wasn’t due to being pregnant). I ended up crashing out on the couch, and at about four in the morning I was awakened randomly. Her boyfriend moved very quickly and hit the floor next to the couch, and that gave me a strange feeling. As I rose, more confusion and an uneasy feeling came over me; I noticed my breasts were exposed and my jeans were unbuttoned. I got up and proceeded to the bathroom. It took me a few moments to get my clothes situated and my head wrapped around the current situation, but I still felt uneasy. I opened the bathroom door, and Bobby was no longer lying on the living room floor. I immediately gathered my things and went outside to just get away from whatever had happened. I sat down on the curb and started going through my phone to make calls, knowing it was four in the morning. The first call I made was to my male best friend, who had been a part of my life for 20 years and always made me feel safe. Franky had been friends with my older brother, so knowing he was older than me, I felt he would have advice on what I should do, but the phone rang and rang. No answer! I wasn’t surprised at all since it was early morning, but I was scared, and tears started to come down my face. I continued to scroll through the names and finally landed on my aunt Linda, and I listened as the phone rang. Finally, I heard her answer, and I could hear the concern in her voice and asks me what was wrong. I proceeded to ask her if she could come get me and take me home, and without hesitation, she asked me for the address and headed out to get me. For context, Linda had been married to my uncle my whole life, and she had been more of a big sister/ second mom to me. She and my uncle had gotten a divorce and stayed connected to me even after she was with her new partner. When I saw her pulling up, I immediately tried to hide that I had been crying, and I hopped in the van. However, we had such a close relationship that she knew I was lying when I told her nothing was wrong, and she immediately stopped the vehicle right away. She told me we would not be going anywhere until I told her what was going on. She threw it in park and listened as I explained what had happened, and instantly was red. Linda got out of the van and marched right up to the apartment door and knocked. Bobby answered, and my aunt, who stood at most 5 feet tall, told him to go wake up Bethany. He refused to, and then she doubled down, “You can either go wake her up, or I will wake her up, and your throat will be in my hands while doing so”. He decided he should go get her, and Bethany came to the door, then to the van to talk about what was going on. I told her everything. I ended up going to Linda’s house instead of going home to sleep. Later that day, Bethany and I talked again, and Bobby had told her I was lying and denied everything. Bethany then told me that she didn’t know what to do because she didn’t know what to believe. After those words came out of her mouth, I realized things would never be the same for us or for my mental health. *The details of this piece has been changed to protect the privacy of the writer and others involved.

I'm a wife and a mother who is struggling to balance my love and responsibility toward my family and our new puppy. Our family adopted a puppy a little over a month ago. Although my husband was hesitant about having a dog, he agreed because he knew our son had wanted a pet for a long time. At first, everything seemed to be going well, and my family was slowly adjusting to having the puppy. Then, the puppy accidentally scratched our son's finger with her tooth. This frightened me and made a question whether adopting the puppy had been the right decision. I felt guilty and wondered if i should have prevented the situation by saying no to having a puppy in the first place. My husband became very concerned about the incident and felt that having the puppy was becoming a major inconvenience. And we started discussing wether we should return the puppy. Even our son also became afraid that something similar could happen again. Although the situation eventually improved, Sometimes it feels overwhelmeing, guilty, and uncertain about whether i can properly take care the puppy while also taking care our family. I felt that the responsibilities of raising a puppy might be taking away from my own husband and son's needs or affecting our family's peace. I tried to explain them that the puppy is still very young—only three months old—and doesn't fully understand right from wrong yet. I also believes that the puppy needs patience, guidance, training, and understanding, rather than expecting her to behave like a mature dog. The biggest problem is that our family has different opinions about how to discipline and train the puppy, which often leads to arguments. I felt caught in the middle because I love our family but also feels responsible for the puppy.

I've seen this so many times and it's always the same story - a business goes through some kind of change, new hires, new process, market shifts, doesn't matter what - and the people who get the most threatened by it are usually the ones who've been there forever and who the business owner trusts the most. and they're not even obviously wrong on the surface, that's the annoying part. "the new people are hard to work with" sounds like a normal thing to say. but scratch it a little and it's just discomfort wearing a professional suit. what they actually mean is I don't want to change how I work, they never say that part. and nobody wants to say the real thing either - if you're supposed to be leading a team and you can't work with someone new, that's not automatically the new person's problem. a lot of the time it's just someone who doesn't know how to manage, and calling it a personality clash is easier than admitting that. so instead of learning, they just get rid of the person. so the owner's mistake isn't even who they hired. it's mistaking tenure and comfort for someone actually being aligned with the business, and those two things drift apart so you don't notice until the damage is already done. and the business gets ruined slowly while everyone keeps calling that person brilliant. it's so sad to watch, every time.

If you're reading this at 2 a.m. because your thoughts won't let you sleep, I hope tomorrow is a little kinder to you than today was.

I'm not asking for someone to fix me. I just wish someone would notice I'm not okay before I have to say it.

Maybe the version of me that everyone misses only existed because I was trying so hard to make everyone else happy.

If I ever stopped texting first, I wonder how many people I'd lose without anyone even noticing.

I keep saying "I'm just tired." The truth is, it's not sleep I'm missing.

The saddest part about growing up isn't getting older. It's realizing some people were only meant to be memories.

I wish people knew how many conversations I rehearse in my head before sending a single text. Most of them never get sent anyway.

I'm always there for everyone. It's funny how nobody notices when I'm the one disappearing.

Does anyone else randomly remember something embarrassing from five years ago and physically cringe... or is my brain just running a free subscription to suffering?

I miss someone I don't even want back. I don't miss the way they made me feel small. I don't miss crying over someone who couldn't choose me. I just miss having someone to tell everything to. Healing is weird like that.

I don't say this enough, but thank you. Thank you for every sacrifice you made without ever asking for recognition. Thank you for choosing my happiness even when it meant putting your own dreams on hold. I know there were days when life wasn't easy, yet you still found the strength to make sure I never felt alone. As I've grown older, I've started to understand the things I couldn't see as a child. The sleepless nights, the silent worries, the countless times you pretended everything was okay just to protect me. I wish I had appreciated those moments sooner. If I've ever hurt you with my words, my attitude, or my distance, I'm truly sorry. It was never because I loved you less. Sometimes I was too busy trying to figure out my own life that I forgot the people who gave me theirs. I hope one day I can make you as proud as you've always made me feel loved. No matter where life takes me, a part of my heart will always belong at home, with you. I love you more than I could ever put into words.